The Wedding Gown Hall of Shame Page 2, Spring Edition 2004

Yes, I'm back looking through gown pix for the season for more soul-searing, eyeball-burning fun. And from the looks of it, you're back with me! I went out to look at the sites this time, and got through five pages without finding anything horrible - What, they have betrayed me! Wait until I get my gown and then put out all the beautiful ones? Have they used up all the horrible ideas on the unfortunate Winter Bride, or worse, have I somehow succumbed to some sense of style imposed by the will-numbing cascade of tiered sugar confections and tattered lumps of saran-wrap-inspired bilious, billowing, bridal balloons? But it's like mining - you may not find a rich vein on this hill but just wait 'til the next one - page six yielded a bonzanza, greatly relieving my fear for my own sanity, and the W.G.H.O.S. was off again for the season!

My first thought - you know those ruffled sheets that hang off between the matress layers?

Ah, yes. Red, the color of passion and cabaret dancers. And people with terrifying hats and tie-on tops.

It looks like this designer was actually trying to learn origami at the time.

See, the protuding point on the waist is to imitate the beak of the bird...

Who needs a cake?

The perfect gown for any woman who delights in asking "Does this make my butt look big?"

Kind of like the Mummy met a rogue sewing machine.

Great cost-cutter here. If you wear it in the dark, no one can tell it's made of sheep... dog.

Sally, we're going to be late, you put your dress on inside out!

Gorgeous top. Below? The return of the killer seamstress.

Don't even ask "Does this make me look fat?" because if you put on this gown and those words come out of your mouth, you are destined for the trailer park.

It's what Queen Elizabeth would wear, if she were an Easter bunny.

OK, an Easter bunny at prom.

The head wound is almost healed, and the head of the sanitarium will be conducting the wedding.

Oh heck, it's hot, forget the gown, just wear the underwear.

Nice lapels. No, really.

Any outfit that can make a 70 pound model look like her breasts are migrating to her knees is not going to work for me either.

Don't wish for a larger view of this one, it won't help. The dress does, indeed, appear to be made out of some sort of paper mache spread more thickly around the breast area.


If you wear a mask, you don't have to wear other clothing.

Use the shaft coming out of the posterior for a convenient resting stand. The ultimate Barbie effect.

My favorite designer betrays me. And what is with the monoleg pose?

So, after the wedding, we go back to the hotel, and I pretend I'm Little Red Riding Hood! No, no, Mr. Wolf!

You are not hallucinating. Look in the mirror and there are indeed two separate leashes leading from the neck collar. And yes, little pills all over it, and tatters, and feathers, and... oh, just keep going.

Vampira, only white...

Every bride dreams of a magenta front and scarlet butt.

She's going to play the pixie in the school play after the wedding.

A return of the particular designer who kept doing this last season, proving she still has not learned to use her sewing machine.

Bow to Space Majestica, you worms!

The bridesmaids literally stabbed her in the back. Twice.

The little lines of fur will keep you warm in the shadows.

One lump or two? Or twenty?

Is anybody out there? Because if nobody's out there, I'm not coming out...

Club the baby seal and then strap it on with a blue ribbon. Ultimate romance.

The latest in slave designs - the weight of the twenty-pound rose forces her to hunch forward, while the layers strap her legs together.

I am sure I've seen this before on a 2 a.m. zombie movie festival.

Gladiatrix Bellahumana, baby sandworms strapped to her head, with custom-painted shield

This is definitely some sort of Satanic ritual involving red, green, and orange bell peppers eating her head.

I want to like it, I really do, I think it has some Georgia O'Keefe inspiration. Unfortunately in practice it draws my eye as mesmerizingly as a Rorschak test trying to determine which part of her dress was flayed to produce this effect.

Having some trouble from the restroom.

This is not a gown, this is performance art. Yes, she's jumping.

Great colors. Not together in this volume. Unless it's Easter.

Stack some more on, it's a great party game.  If you put on enough she falls over.

The model tries desperately to shed her winter wooly caterpillar coat.

Macrame, Wedding Dress, two terms that have always been synonymous in my mind. The best hand arts of the 70's, strapped to your thighs.

An attempt to achieve 8 dimensions in one skirt.

Designed to match your tiered cupcake tray.

Take a miniskirt, tie it to her chest, design a skirt for a person with three legs, wrap her breasts with mummy tape... oh, the ideas are endless! What do you mean, we're not designing for Halloween?

Nature is IN! I am an anemone! (try saying that one three times fast)

For those Martha Stewart types, you can combine your housecoat, your wedding dress, and several shelving units into one outfit.

And entire herd of tulleolopes died to make this ... frock.

I'm a faaaairy! Very cute. As in 12 year old cute.

Continuing the evening's nature theme, the top was inspired by a garden, the middle by a spider, and the bottom by a caterpillar.

2 a.m., Horror Channel. I know you've seen this look before.

Ze Earthlings will not know we are aliens if we wear these common jackets.

Queen Vanilda of Planet Cosmos' mating outfit.

You see, you are catching on perfectly! The purple jacket makes it very human-like.

If you wind it up, the rings rotate, and you look just like Saturn.
One thing to note about these pictures - I do not have any individual's wedding photos here. There are some gowns here which might look great on the right person, and contrarily there is me who will probably not look great even in the best gown. I'm not interested in picking on any individual, these are intended as a laugh at the wedding industry as a whole for those who have just had a little too much wedding planning and need a break.

Can you take more of this?
Back to Page 1!
The Wedding Hair Hall of Shame
The Wedding Veil Hall of Shame
And to wrap it all up with things we actually like, The Wedding Gown Hall of Fame