The Wedding Gown Hall of Shame

Looking at gowns online - I try to describe one to Gordon. There are gowns like giant pumpkin gardens, gowns that look like an enormous sea slug perched on the girl's rear end. Gowns which merely look like wedding Barbie cakes, albeit without the blue icing in most cases, gowns which look like crumpled tinfoil once shaped like a swan to house leftover lasagne. I browsed the photos at 3 a.m. with the dull and plodding determination of a victim faced with seven volumes of mug shots. This gown, I told him, looked like the wearer had been attacked by a field of rabid flowers. He could not picture it, magenta gauze wrapped and bedezined with dozens of six inch silk roses in scarlet. A picture was worth a thousand horrified noises.

There was a gown like a pinwheel, another like a national flag torn loose from a war-wracked country. There was a girl who looked like a pink Mongol warrior. There were girls whose dresses looked like they'd survived a paper shredder, a rampaging fake fur factory, or a 70's porn video. After several hours I began to look at Michelin Man designs and think "Oh, that's nice." And mile after mile of white Satinesque and Silketta pretended some sort of organic nature and failed utterly to look as if they belonged anywhere other than the space shuttle.

If you're thinking on some of these "But I like that gown," that's ok, it's not a sign that you're losing it. I like some of them too, but am overwhelmed at the attack of savage photographers in those cases. Some of these are lovely in themselves but the images made me giggle after a little too much 3 a.m. desperation, and the point of this site is not to be churlish to any real person who has used these gowns to beautiful effect (probably without posing as a contortionist or wearing zombie makeup while doing so, but hey if zombie makeup is your thing I hope you have a wonderful time with it) but simply to provide a small point of relief to any other bride just overwhelmed by the whole industry.

Beehive, roses, everything you need for a make-your-own-honey kit.

To save time on your wedding night, wear your lingerie over your gown.

After your special occasion, your bouquet and bride can be preserved by our special freeze-dry process.

Your gown can be specially designed to attract Russian Army members to enliven the day with their traditional songs and dance.

This Gothic sort of Lolita look is perfect to show your new husband that he is marrying a 12-year-old serial killer.

Why go to Vegas to have Elvis marry you when you can be Elvis instead?

This $2500 gown can be inexpensively recreated with hot glue and a roll of insulation.

Recently there have been quite a few weddings on a 'sea-side' theme. In this exemplary gown we see a large sea slug attached to the train.

The taxi is missing, the girl is mindless, the accessory is absurd and the photographer must be fired until he learns not to chop off people's heads.

The Bride of Frankenstein finally gets a real wedding.

Pink and blue? Apparently still upset that no one invited her to prom.

That perfect mix of ingenue and pierrot.

In case you're marrying Richard Simmons.

I'd be depressed too if someone put my gown through a paper shredder.

Absolutely lovely. If you want your nickname for the rest of eternity to be "Stevie Nicks."

This entire ensemble was created out of leftovers from other gowns. Martha Stewart dies of envy.

When feather boas go bad, brides' necks get broken.

This zombie broke free of the freezer case despite the leg restraints - make sure to use more durable materials.

And this one apparently needed riot foam to stop her.

My underpants are eating my dress.

Oh heck, just go like you rolled out of bed.

The perfect ensemble for a good witch in Oz.

I'm not sure if it used to be alive, or if it still is alive.

For sparkle, add tinfoil!

Many of the models had expressions as though they were horrifed to find themselves in these outfits - they had been disappeared in the night by a squad of taffeta-wreathed guerillas and forced into contemplation of what mortal sin landed them in a purgatory of tumorous tulle. They had woken from a nightmare to find they had really failed the test, forgotten to study, and been forced into Extreme Pink outfits as a punishment. Some had apparently been subjected to whatever mysterious and toxic island poisons are normally used to create zombies. Others had escaped into a better world from the 80's prom movies where they originated. My focus gradually changed from finding gorgeous wearable gowns to finding ever greater heights of weirdness. I broke free of my horrified fascination to build the Wedding Gown Hall of Shame.

The return of the bridal shredder.

What can I possibly add?

Pierrot part 2.

If tin foil is not available, saran wrap works great too, just make sure it's already used for that nifty wrinkly look.

Whistler's Mother goes to prom.

They put the bouquet through the shredder too. And her head, which explains the need for the tourniquet.

Darling, I'd be doing so well if I hadn't sat on that huge rosebush. You would not believe the thorns!

The PVC look is great for the post-industrial bride.

Do you think anyone will notice the slight accident with the sewing machine?

See, the train makes it 'formal!'

Pierrot's nightrobe.

And you're saying they got there how, exactly?

Stealing his smoking jacket is sexy!

Pia Zadora, you done me proud. Or is this more Charo?

Her revenge for every doily her grandmother ever sent her.

1890, her house of pleasure is right around the corner.

If Planet Xenon is taken, Planet Ultraravisha is also good.

Barbie escaped from the cake and is still trailing icing.

The best possible way to make your rear end look huge and to create folds of back flesh all at once.

Mrs. Claus.

Some of these gowns have a problem because some deluded fool actually thinks I would wear them. Some are by designers who have other gowns which are lovely and elegant, but somehow a serious lapse in judgement came after the third martini of the morning. Some of them have some extremely questionable intent, and some would be just perfect for a wedding on Mars. Most are slyly covered by the excuse "Well, you see, things are different in New York...." "Yes, I can see that, are you on medication for it yet?" There are a few that would qualify as 'wedding gown photographer hall of shame' entries instead, especially some of the poses and hairstyles involved... the scary thing is how normal they start to look after you've looked at a few of them. You start thinking "Oh, that one's not as bad as that other one was...." And then they have you. These pictures and styles are all copyright the designers and came from - shame on them.

Mrs. Robinson - Robinson Crusoe, that is, wearing the rigging.

When flowers attack, part 1.

They won't notice that eensy seam is off, now will they?

Mrs. Claus's delinquent daughter.

The snoball look.

Whistler's mother does the Easter Parade.

You can use this handy gown as a pinwheel when you're done.

Remember girls, if your posture is too good you might intimidate your groom.

Excellent if you're marrying an Emu.

More riot foam, and she's still coming.

Another great use for white strapping tape.

It's sort of a feminine, pink, Mongol Warrior look...

Try the lambada in this one, baby.

Hair from the 70's, gloves from the 80's, dress from the 60's, hat from hell.

See, it's kind of like the Matrix thing, only white, and different.

Or Planet Krypton, Superman would love the cape effect.

Why do I keep hearing 'wakachika' music?

I will never forgive my sister for making me wear this dress.

Fur is great for Russian Winters - but the girl on the right might need some eye holes cut in that hat.

Sun Ra, bless our wedding!

Oopsie, did I just kick the bridesmaid off the podium again? Silly me!

Really, that seam is part of the design, it's supposed to be there. Really. The removable side panel leads to the battery replacement module.

Nothing spells loving like anorexia and a shock therapy skullcap.

I am made up to look like a leetle custard! Am I not so cute! 'Ave you seen my sheep?

Demonstrating how you'll look after the 43 toasts to your health.

So, the cotton ball idea was going great until we hit the windstorm...

Shoot the hairdresser now before he reaches the other models. It looks like she forgot to take out her curlers.

Bride of Frankenstein part 2

Works in the house of the aforementioned 1890's madame...

This lovely gown can do double duty as a hot air balloon following the wedding.

What have they done to me?!

For this look, attach an invisible cord to your navel and yank.

Ready to marry anybody, but pausing to do that cute groomsman behind the pews before anything else happens.

I look just like the cake after it fell off the truck.

Really, darling, get this over with, I have a design meeting to attend.

Enraged, the bride charged, her horn fully extended.

Round about here, most of Gordon's relatives are surely rather nonplussed wondering what sort of harridan he's hooking up with. That's ok, Gordon himself is rather nonplussed at the delight with which I enshrine the horrible creations in which these designers wish to strap me. Little do they all know I'll be wearing the pink Mongol Warrior outfit. So without further ado I will happily jump into the next section, which I entitle "Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the wedding," devoted to wedding hairpieces!

More fun with:
Wedding Veils of Shame
Wedding Hair of Shame
And the WG H.O.S. Page 2!
It's ok to take a break first if your brain hurts.